Holding Space
7th December, 2016
I was recently exploring the different ways we listen to others – or don’t as the case may be. My client was experiencing a range of disengagement within and across his team – a combination of working within a fast paced business, minimal face to face contact due to split geographical locations and strong characters possessing differing agendas. As an MD without the luxury of being time-rich the intention was to encourage a new quality of connection, to ensure each interaction had depth and resonance. We identified some of the key barriers to collective understanding and questioned how current behaviour patterns were impacting upon the perceived value of discussions. The insights we gained have relevance within business, but also every day life… so I am sharing them here.
In an attempt to simplify things we played with splitting our levels of attentiveness into three types of being present and We all can move into any one of these three listening spaces from time to time.
- I wonder how much of the time you spend within each of these zones
- Do you have a tendency to offer some people one approach and others another?
The 3 Zones…
Zone 3: Listening whilst also typing into your smartphone, checking emails, reading a document… In this case you have limited eye contact, you think you are listening because… hey you can multi task… right? Wrong. Not only are you potentially missing key information from the other person, let’s consider the impact you are having on them. Do they feel acknowledged? Are their words and thoughts and ideas valued? Are you showing that you have interest in them?
Zone 2: The internal / external channel switch. Otherwise known as parallel processing this is when you are having another conversation within your head in addition to the one that is occurring externally. Your attention is flitting from one to the other. It could possibly be that the internal conversation has no link what-so-ever to the external one. Or maybe you think you are so far ahead that you already know where the other person is gong with their discussion. You are certainly not listening, you are waiting to speak and you probably think the other person hasn’t noticed… sadly this type of non-listening is all too evident. Your eyes will have glazed over – it will be very obvious that you are not fully present and connected with their dialogue. Again you will miss things. This is a very common pattern in the fast moving world. You could appear aloof or lacking in empathy, you will fail to energetically connect with the story of your friend or colleague and they will wonder how much of their conversation landed. Why should they care if you don’t?
Zone 1: Holding space. Present and attentive. Quiet in your mind observing and listening with interest to the other person. You are with them fully. This is their time and you are engaged in a shared experience, uncontaminated by distraction, they feel free to express their thoughts and ideas and they welcome yours. The quality of your communication feels pure and undiluted, this is a place of real connection. This quality of communication is often rare or fleeting and I wonder… how might others experience being around you if you chose to consciously offer this level of connection and interest in them and their agenda.
Have a go. Notice your patterns, think about your previous week and the interactions you have had. Choose to connect more consciously and fully… and please share the differences you observe here.
